Anxiety Attack

Out of no where it comes

Like a crash to your senses

You're shaking, hands like leaves 

You can't focus

The world is spinning

It's so hard to breathe

People keep walking past you

You are bent over, hyperventilating 

Counting does nothing

Your heart is racing

Like you've jumped off a building

You know it will end but it's taking it's time

Your breath is slowing, your heart too

The freight train is stopping

Once again anxiety has left you drained

Stings of Emptiness

My memories, haunting

My memories, painful

Wanting to belong

Wanting to fill that hole

It stings of emptiness 

I close my eyes

Nightmares

That small child inside me

Crying out

Pain and guilt burrowing inside me

They want you to be someone you're not

They want to use you

They want to abuse you...again. 

It's hard to be brave when you are alone in the dark

Still fighting this tear in my heart

Every day I am reborn. Every night I die.

 I'm crying
Exhaustion is taking me

I'm collapsing
Insides burning hot
Rage
Hurt
Anger

When I think I've gotten past it
My mind blind sides me

I want to tear them free
All those painful parts of me

Black, bloody throbbing pieces of me
Darkening my soul

It's a never ending battle
Every day I am reborn and
Every night I die

In my time of dying
I close my eyes
Beckoning the reaper to take me
 He never does..

As the sunlight pours in
I know yet again I must begin a new day
 The wounds have scabbed over
 I pull myself through

The night tears them open, exposed and bleeding again
I lay open,powerless
until the sun comes again

Frigid

The happiness fading within me
The darkness is winning again

I'm tired of being strong
It's cold here and I'm alone

I can feel my hands shaking
My fingers, cold as ice

All the warmth has left me
Shivering, I'm trying to hold on

I struggle to breath
I struggle to sleep
I struggle to be

Your words, a whisper
Your touch, miles away

What's keeping me here?
What am I fighting for?

This life has left me damaged and bruised
Slowly I'm drowning...

The worst parts of yourself

Thrashing in the night
Dreaming gives you a fright

You're trying to escape the stress
You feel like dying
You think about it often

You think about car crashes
Jumping off bridges
Sleeping forever in a sea of diamonds

You close your eyes hoping tomorrow will be different
You close your eyes hoping the pain will subside, the physical and the emotional

You feel everything, like a curse
Overwhelming your senses

You feel broken
You feel worthless
You want to drown in your own blood

You yell at your reflection
These are the worse parts of you
They are tearing at the seams

Dripping, leaking through your skin
No one sees it but you know it's there

We all have the worst parts that we hide

My Crimson Knight....

In his heart I hear the music that never stops
In his soul I see the dreams that never die

He holds my hand as the demons consume me
The battle of light and dark
The war of hurt and love

I cling to him because he is strong when I can not be
He clings to me because I am soothing when he is not calm

Puzzle pieces placed together perfectly

I dream in blood
he wipes it away
I hide in darkness
he brings the light


My crimson knight
Dedicated and loyal

I thank you...

Insatiable

My skin, on fire
My lips,aching
My body, waiting for your touch

Passion dripping from my veins
Taste my pain make it go away
Willing the hurt to fade away

Lost in your eyes
I take you in
Feeling as one

Nothing matters
In this moment
You make me feel like the most important person in the world
You make me feel special

I get addicted to the pleasure
You're slowly driving me crazy

I like it
I feel it
I taste it

In the end it's worth it
I'm selfish about it

Mind, Body, Soul...I find the pleasure of all these alluring

I've never been the insatiable one
I can't get enough

I Welcome the Fall, I've Already Lost it All

Faded and jaded
Putting these walls up
Feeling vunerable

Wrap your arms around yourself
Push the pieces back together
Because your falling apart

You are slowly letting yourself get sucked in
You said you wouldn't do this again

It's so easy
It's so easy to get hurt
It's so easy to fall in love
It's so easy to taste the pleasure

When all is said and done what will be left of you
Do you have anything left to give

Second guesses
Wordless glances
fake romances

How long will I fall before I hit the ground...

August

His name is August
His eyes, blue as crystals
His smile, lights up the corners of the darkest rooms
And when he looks at me I can't catch my breath

He does not believe me when I tell him he's amazing
He does not believe me when I tell him he's beautiful
He does not believe me when I tell him he's worth it

I catch myself staring
I catch him staring
Eye contact, an instant connection

Fear graces my heart, not knowing if this will last
I can not help but find comfort in his eyes
Happiness in his touch, it seems to seep into every crack I've created over the years

It's hard to think straight
It's hard to think at all

Words escape me, feelings are the only real voice

His name is August
And I am completely lost in him

Mother's Day

My first Mother's day without you
I feel numb
I want to feel like I care about you but I don't

You've torn a hole in my heart
It will forever be open

I want to lean on my mother like other people do
I want to call you up and tell you about people in my life
I want to tell you my troubles
I want your advice

But I can't
You aren't gone
I just can't have you in my life

You beaten me down and ripped me apart

I've only just recently been able to build my foundation back up
I get weak and I miss you
I cry and wonder if I'm doing the right thing

Then I remember your words and how much they sting
I remember the hitting and manipulation
I remember the pain
I remember why you are no longer in my life

 This day is rough
I close my eyes
Take a deep breath
And remember how strong I've become

My first Mother's day without you
I feel nothing...

My Sanity is Failing

In my head I'm dizzy
In my head I'm crazy
In my head I'm destroying myself

In my heart I'm hurting
In my heart I'm caring to much
In my heart I'm dying

My head overthinks, while my heart feels to much
It's overwhelming, my mind racing while my heart is pacing

I feel like I'm spinning out of control, I can't catch my breath
I'd give anything to dismiss this panic
I'd give anything to make this less tragic

I can't keep calm
I've been cold to long
My sanity is failing

Sitting alone I'm losing my head and my heart.

She Paints in Many Colors

She paints in grey

Grey the color of the moonlight
Grey the way cold tastes
Grey the blurring line between the color of life
and the darkness of death

She paints in red

Red the color of her blood
Red the way pain tastes
Red the constant hurting

She paints in black

Black the color of her soul
Black the way emptiness taste
Black the constant loneliness

She paints in purple

Purple the color of hope
Purple the way desire tastes
Purple the constant strength


She paints in many colors
These colors make her who she is

Another Hurtful Story Written in my Skin

Your struggling with being alone

Days without a hug
Longing for closeness
A taste of intimacy

Losing faith in love
Does anyone know what that is anymore?
Does anyone care enough to show it?
Are we becoming emotionless and cold?

I find myself feeling horrible for becoming attached to people
I find myself weak for wanting constant contact
I find myself trying to bury myself in anything just to stop thinking

Thinking about you
Thinking about the future
Thinking about how I will screw everything up

I want to be so busy that I don't stop to text you
I want to be so busy that I don't care
I want to be so busy that I forget my phone completely

But that's never what I really want...
I make time for everyone...
I would stop the world to say "Have a good day"

I put myself in so much pain
No one will ever be like me
No one will ever care enough
And this is the mess I'm stuck in

In the end you will be another page in my book
Another hurtful story written in my skin
Another time I cared to much because you couldn't care enough

Don't hold your breath, Your prince charming isn't coming

I've decided to stay

I've been pushing this pain down
I've been holding on

I thought I was ready to leave this place
But I've decided to stay

For how long is uncertain
But for now I'm here

I hold on to hope that things will get better
I hold on to hope that someone will need me
I hold on to hope that my existence makes a difference

I want to be strong
I want stop crying
I want to stop leaning on everyone
I want to pick myself up from the ashes
I want to rise like a phoenix

My scars remind me of my battles with myself
My smile reminds me that I've survived

 

All good things come to an end

Everything has an end
You lost yourself in his eyes
But it wasn't enough

You can't make someone love you
You can't make someone feel you
You can't make someone keep you

Sometimes you want something so bad
It stings
Keeping you awake at night
Making you aware of all your flaws

You still feel his lips lingering on yours
You still feel his hands on the small of your back
You close your eyes, you lose yourself
You steal a moment and then it's gone

You think about the good times
It's bittersweet

You know where there is a begining there must be an end
 You just didn't know it would be over this soon

Moving on, he will always have a special place in your memories

Dancing with death

She danced with death and he kissed her sweetly,
 left her trembling and said "It's not your time"

She sank to her knees
Tears streaming down her face
Knowing he was right

She was lost
She was cold
She was alone
But she could not give in
Not yet

He would be waiting
But she still had so much life to live

Her sadness would stay there
It would sit in her heart
It would cause her to hurt

She knew now that
Living with the pain
Was better then dying and causing pain

Wallflower

I feel all this shit is rushing in my head

You...a failure
You...weak
You...stupid
You....a child
You...a joke

Feeling awake, sleep once a luxury now a nightmare
It's unattainable at the moment
Like a star you reach for it but it is to far away

In this moment you are truly alone
That late night depression
It eats you alive

You call for help but no one is there
You take the pain, you suffer through it
Those tears sting your eyes

All you can do is let them fall

I Got You

I know I'm a mess
I know I over react
I know my thoughts race

I know I'm hard to keep up with sometimes
but I know for certain I will always care about you

I don't give up
I've never been the one to end things
I don't believe it's in me to just leave people behind

No matter where life takes me
I'll keep my heart open
If you need me I am there
Forever and always

Sometimes you meet people in your life that you would just do anything for
I'd bend until I break for you
I'd hurt for you
I'd bleed for you
I'd die for you
Everything I could ever give is yours to take

I've lived long enough to know
Treasure everything you get in your life
Even if those things that are not permanent in your life

You only live once
Take chances
Laugh as much as possible
And have fun

No expectations

Having trouble sleeping

My brain in a constant state of racing

Thinking about you, thinking about me


Thinking about my mistakes
Thinking about my disappointment

Feelings are useless here
Go in blind
Turn your heart to ice
The only way you will survive

You are the owner of nothing not even your own heart
You push through
Take the pain, it will be worth it

Nothing is perfect
Nothing lasts forever

I'm so Heavy...

I’m wishing to be alone tonight
I’m wishing to shut the world out
Shut it down

I can’t take much more
I’ve broken the skin
I’ve taken the pain in

Screaming, lashing out
No one notices
No one cares

If I bleed, I bleed
If I cry, I cry
If I die, I die

Mentally exhausted
Rejected
Alone

Maybe there’s no making it now
Tired of trying
I’m not okay

Illusions of being wanted....

Your words like razor blades
slicing my skin
You really don't know how bad this
hurts
as the pain begins to sink in

I smile through the bleeding
and tell you I am always here
always your friend

Each time you push me down
I get back up again
You walk away
I follow

It's a sick game
forsaken to play forever
damned to be this way

Your harsh words like
angelic verses in my head

I take what I can get
so you throw me nothing but shit

I take what you give me and twist it
into gold
into hope
into love

When you want something so bad
you bend and break it
until it fills this void
completes this puzzle
slam it into place
it never quite fits
and soon it breaks into pieces

and then you start again with the next piece
hoping one day a piece might fit
and complete you