Depression

Keep me close
I'm losing my head again

I fill that familiar pain
It starts as a headache
It moves down my spine
Lower back, pain

Attaches itself to every joint
Every bone

Like a venom
Like a parasite

It's tearing me apart
Every nerve stinging

No one sees
No one knows

Internally I am falling apart
No tears are forming now
I have nothing left

I am strong
I try to hang on

My past creeps in
Bringing me mistakes I regret
Bringing me words of failure

I feel like I am nothing
I feel like I have let everyone down
I feel useless
I feel like I am not good enough

I struggle to smile
I struggle to sleep
I struggle to live

I fight
Scars are on my heart
You can't see them but they sting me every day

Reminding me of where I've been
Reminding of things I've done
Reminding me of pain

You are busy...

We all have lives, I know
We all have things we need to do, I know

And most of the time I am busy, you know
And most times I have things to do, you know

But here I am lonely
No one really cares

You think the attention I need is to much
Mean while I'm scrounging to see you
I'm begging to be with you

You know.

I lose things, people so often
I can't help but hold on to the good things
knuckles white
Squeezing

I feel bad about it
I tell myself not to care so much
I tell myself that overwhelming need will go away

I can't help it
I've always been sensitive
I've always been a person to surround myself with others

When I'm alone my demons whisper
When I'm alone I feel forgotten
When I'm alone I feel lost

My thoughts become deafening
I need you to ignore this pain
I need you to escape my brain

In a world full of problems I am not important
At least not as important as I want to be

Kim and Kayla

Your death leaving me numb
Your life cut short

You have left me but I can not let you go

Most of the time I am ok
But then I have a moment
Like a slap to the face

I will never hear you laugh
I will never see you smile
I will never hug you
Again...

This pain in my chest
It swells and expands
Every time I hear your name

Certain moments seem almost unbearable
But the world goes on

So I have to get up
I have to get out of bed
I have to be strong
Even when every fiber of my being is willing me not to

I hold me heart in pieces always thinking of you...

Love is not manipulation

Instilled with insecurities at a young age
Knowing life is not perfect
Knowing you will never be perfect

Looking in the mirror always wanting to be a good child
Always wanting to make you proud
Knowing that moment is gone
Knowing that it was never worth it

Holding my heart in my hands watching it break and burn
Ashes now, swirling into the nothingness

I do not think you will ever know
The pain you have caused
The sleepless nights
The bleeding

You believe you are innocent
You blame me
You claim you love me

True love does not crack and flake away
True love is not manipulation
True love asks for only love in return

I have lost myself
I have lost my mind
I have lost my sense of home

You have taken so much from me
I try to bury this hole in my heart but I know it will always be there

I am forging a new life
I am rising from the ashes
Knowing life is more of a life without you

Sometimes this new life gets hard and I cry and I cry
But in the end I know I am no longer suffering from this poison
The sludge you pushed through my veins is slowly leaving me

I can breathe, although there are pains in my chest

I can still breathe...

Water Rushing In

I'm drowning

Sliding back into this hole
Water rushing in, filling my lungs

I can't breath
I can't hear

Silence covers me
I'm in the deep waters now

Darkness, cold, frozen, empty

It's like a blanket, it seeps in every crease

I feel the bubbles escape my lips
I feel it closing in on me

Everywhere I move it encases me
I try to swim to the surface but it chases me

Here I stay lifeless
Surrounded
Alone
Empty

The water rushes in...

Close your eyes, take a breath

Close your eyes
What have you been doing this whole time

Your getting older,
your knees crack,
your back hurts and sometimes you squint to see small letters

You think about how if you were someone else, where you could be now
You think about if you took a left instead of a right
If you chose this boyfriend, instead of that boyfriend
If you chose to work yourself to the bone

If I could just get up and do that work out
If I could just get up and go to work
If I could just get up and go to the store

Sometimes you wake up and you can't do these things
You are smothered
Your brain attacking the core of your emotions

You can't cry out, you can't express what it feels like
It's like you want to cry and sleep at the same time

Close your eyes, take a breath
This will pass
I know this because the you is me here

I know because I am still here
Open your eyes
A new days is beginning and you can make it through
I believe in you

Making Decisions

Do you ever wonder if you are making the right decisions in life? 
Imagining that one decision could make or break you.
Imagining that one decision could end your progress or push you to success. 
Imagining that you took that leap and fell to your death.
Imagining you took that leap and you flew right through the clouds.

We face so many decisions every day, how do you know which ones will be devastating and which ones are nothing?

Once you take that leap, once you make that decision you can not go back...

And what happens if all your good at is making bad decisions....

What if you do not have the skills to succeed after it's all said and done?

How do you find the faith to believe in yourself?
How do you convince yourself that you are going in the right direction?

I need to sort my life out, mate

I've never actually use this for blogging but I guess there's a first time for everything. I'm here again contemplating life and what the hell am I doing with it.  I mean here I am on a Friday night in pajamas rocking a sassy man bun eating valentine's day candy.  I'm 30 years old and I still act like I am 12. I'm currently working a job I fucking hate and I suppose that's my own fault, but fucking I have dreams like everyone. I never expected to be this useless, I thought I was gonna be fucking the next top chef. I want so much more for myself but I don't have any idea how to get there. I could go to school but I would surely get my car repoed because this broke bitch could not afford the car payment on a part time job, but in all honesty it is an option. Currently I am not happy were I am and with who I am. I wanted so much more for myself. I don't want to end up just going through life by the skin of my teeth. I feel like my liveliness is fading, I feel like I'm losing myself to this fucked up place we live in. I want to write, I want to cook, I want to make art, I want to travel and I fear if I don't fucking put my foot out there I am going to loose my chance. I wish I knew I would end up this way, maybe I would've worked harder or started sooner. I need a sign, I need a push. Can I make this life into a fantasy or will it stay a tragedy? I need to sort my life out, mate.