I Am A Master of Deception

I have this weight

It sits heavy on my chest

I can't see it

But I can feel it

It makes it hard to move

It makes it hard to breath 

It makes me feel as if I am deserving of this

This constant pain in my chest

I can't stop

Even though I want to crawl in bed and hide

Where's my drive?

I am a master of deception

That smile on my face looks so real

I do the shit I have to do and then I fall apart

I wish I could pause the world

Crumble in the blankets for a few weeks

Suffocate in the sheets

Close my eyes and sleep

I am so tired

Let's pretend I'm strong enough 

Maybe we fake it until we make it

I Can't Help It...

I know I am irrational sometimes
I know I am hard to handle
I know I yell
I know I scream

I do these things because I need you
I need more from you

Care for me
Connect with me
Comfort me

I feel to much
I hold it in
I am oversensitive
I can't help that

I share how I feel
so you can see what's real

You may think I am overreacting
You may think I can just shut it off

I can't
Sometimes I wish I could
It's exhausting, feeling everything

Sitting in this place
Hating to be alone
Crying

Most days I am ok
But today....

Today is not a good day.

One Day Breaking Glass will Sound like Freedom...

I'm walking in this hall of mirrors
The reflections change with each step

Some mirrors are broken, some are dirty and some are missing.
I turn to look and I see a little girl staring back at me

She is innocent, unstained from this world
She has yet to know what pain will ravage her heart

I turn to the next one
The same girl now a teenager
She's been bullied
She's been bruised
Her eyes red from tears
Her hands red from blood

I slowly turn to the next one
Here I am
I see who I've grown into

I could be weak, but I am strong
I could fall apart, but I am whole
I could be happy, but I am sad

The past haunts me
The pain has tainted me

I am still here
I never thought I would be

Endless mirrors line my way
Reflecting
Projecting
Ideas of who I am and who I want to be

One day I'll break the ones that hold me back
One day breaking glass will sound like freedom

Lost

Sitting here trying to find the motivation

Trying to create

Trying to form plans

Trying to make a living

So many thoughts in my head

I do not know where to start

It's overwhelming 

I'm feeling cold again

Lost

Time is slipping away 

I have nothing to show

I feel like I'm breathing water at this point

Barely holding my head above the waves crashing in

I'm not trying to be sad

I'm just trying to live

Left alone, my thoughts

eat me alive

Skinned knees today, scabs tomorrow. 

The Scars I Keep

Don't pretend you know me
Don't think you have any idea who I am

You don't know what I've been through
You don't know the pain inside my head

You have no idea the nightmares I have
The scars I keep

I'm exhausted
Keeping on this brave face
Waking up, masking the fact that I just want to sleep

I'm broken pieces
Barely together

I'm coming undone
No one is here to pick up the pieces
No one cares

I hold my arms around me
Keeping myself from falling apart

I will always be my savior and my enemy

This is life, one punishing day at a time

I'm holding my demons in
They are scratching to get out

I'm holding my tongue
Even though I want to scream

I want to be normal but I'm past that point now
I'm to old to begin again

I'm losing interest
Let me sleep for years

Let the tears stain

And in my head they say
"Cry tonight, no one fucking cares."

And in my head I believe these words
and close my eyes because sleeping gives me more comfort these days
then being awake ever did

I'm calloused
I'm bruised
I'm broken

The world is heartless
No one cares about your pain
No one cares if you are bleeding

This is life, one punishing day at a time

My Shattered Existence

I'm holding my head high
I'm barely looking at the ground
But now here I am falling again

Physically in pain
Emotionally a wreck
Mentally lost and unstable

It follows me like a cloud
most days the sun peaks through
but today it's pouring

I can't explain
I can't make you understand

Every time my heart breaks
My nerves snap
My bones crack
My insides crumble

I heal
And it all starts again

The tears creep to the corners of my eyes
I blink them away but they keep coming

I'm sorry

My voice catches its hard to speak
It's hard to find words to describe how I feel

I'm frustrated
I explode
I deflate

All emotions rushing

In the end no one sees
No one cares
And I'm stuck in this shattered existence