Close your eyes, take a breath

Close your eyes
What have you been doing this whole time

Your getting older,
your knees crack,
your back hurts and sometimes you squint to see small letters

You think about how if you were someone else, where you could be now
You think about if you took a left instead of a right
If you chose this boyfriend, instead of that boyfriend
If you chose to work yourself to the bone

If I could just get up and do that work out
If I could just get up and go to work
If I could just get up and go to the store

Sometimes you wake up and you can't do these things
You are smothered
Your brain attacking the core of your emotions

You can't cry out, you can't express what it feels like
It's like you want to cry and sleep at the same time

Close your eyes, take a breath
This will pass
I know this because the you is me here

I know because I am still here
Open your eyes
A new days is beginning and you can make it through
I believe in you

Making Decisions

Do you ever wonder if you are making the right decisions in life? 
Imagining that one decision could make or break you.
Imagining that one decision could end your progress or push you to success. 
Imagining that you took that leap and fell to your death.
Imagining you took that leap and you flew right through the clouds.

We face so many decisions every day, how do you know which ones will be devastating and which ones are nothing?

Once you take that leap, once you make that decision you can not go back...

And what happens if all your good at is making bad decisions....

What if you do not have the skills to succeed after it's all said and done?

How do you find the faith to believe in yourself?
How do you convince yourself that you are going in the right direction?

I need to sort my life out, mate

I've never actually use this for blogging but I guess there's a first time for everything. I'm here again contemplating life and what the hell am I doing with it.  I mean here I am on a Friday night in pajamas rocking a sassy man bun eating valentine's day candy.  I'm 30 years old and I still act like I am 12. I'm currently working a job I fucking hate and I suppose that's my own fault, but fucking I have dreams like everyone. I never expected to be this useless, I thought I was gonna be fucking the next top chef. I want so much more for myself but I don't have any idea how to get there. I could go to school but I would surely get my car repoed because this broke bitch could not afford the car payment on a part time job, but in all honesty it is an option. Currently I am not happy were I am and with who I am. I wanted so much more for myself. I don't want to end up just going through life by the skin of my teeth. I feel like my liveliness is fading, I feel like I'm losing myself to this fucked up place we live in. I want to write, I want to cook, I want to make art, I want to travel and I fear if I don't fucking put my foot out there I am going to loose my chance. I wish I knew I would end up this way, maybe I would've worked harder or started sooner. I need a sign, I need a push. Can I make this life into a fantasy or will it stay a tragedy? I need to sort my life out, mate.