I've never been the pretty girl

Have you ever felt pretty?

Could you describe the feeling to me?

I've never been the pretty girl

I've never been the anything-girl

I close my eyes and almost feel like I could disappear 

As if I was never here

There is a hole deep inside me that never goes away 

 Slowly I feel it swallowing me 

I look in the mirror and I see nothing worth saving

Wondering if I should have died

If I am here by mistake

Life goes on and people change

One by one leaving me 

So terribly lonely

I'll never get used to this stinging feeling

That pain when you hold your heart in your hands as it breaks 

I keep this smile on, but it hurts

It's hides the ugly truth, the damage beneath

I've never been the pretty girl 

The World is Loud Again

 The world is loud again

I feel it 

The darkness creeping in 

I feel it 

The pain of being in my skin

A wound reopening

Even with the pressure, blood still soaking through. 

Like tears, it flows down my skin

Encompassing me

Drowning me

Suffocating

Obliterating all my strength

Weakness seeps in 

Breaking me

Taking me

Take a Deep Breath

 I am made of scars. 

Physical ones that raise and itch

Emotional ones that pinch and pull

Uncomfortable in my skin

Dying to live

Living to die 

All this pain is it worth it

Does it matter

Fighting every day just to exist 

What's my purpose

What's the point

You wouldn't understand anyway

Are you even listening?

 Can you hear me?

Can you see between the lines, where I've been breaking

Where the fucking exhaustion sets in, where I am so fucking tired of being strong

Keep depending on me

Keep expecting me to be there

It's fine I'm just calcified bone and petrified skin

Are you even listening?

Can't you hear my sadness, it's profound 

I'm screaming it at you

It's always take and never give

It's always you and never me

It's in her eyes

 You can see in her eyes,

changing like the seasons.

Her sad eyes,

her cold eyes,

her bright eyes.

The pain behind her eyes,

like glass, reflects her failures.

The love behind her eyes,

like a mirror, reflects her adorations.

The knowledge behind her eyes,

like water, it flows into you.

Look into her eyes, there you will find a place to stay.

Cold and clean,

warm and comforting,

whatever you need.

You Don't See Me

 No one asks me how I'm doing

No one asks if I'm alright

No one really cares

I feel alone

I close my eyes as the tears fall

Could I have been a different person?

One not-so-sensitive

One that doesn't care 

One that isn't slowly dying inside

If you just noticed me...

If you could just see how broken I've been

If you could see the bleeding I've been doing

But you don't see

Empty Worth

Did you get what you wanted?

That cold shoulder

That definite slam of the door

You didn't even try to save it

You didn't even try to mask the truth

I gave and gave like I always do

I made time for you

Burned out, drowning, but I made time for you

Yet here I am with this emptiness in my hands

Nothing there and yet it's clearly heavy, breaking the skin

Another scar upon my heart 

Another end of a chapter

You made your bed, now you have to lay in it

Although now I'm the one reflecting

Blaming myself, questioning my worth

Darkness envelopes me

Breaking

Bleeding

Making me stronger

Making me better

I thrive in the pain

You play the victim 

Because I've weathered far worse than you